About Friendship Condfidence and Pain
by Warozaka
Summary: Professor Snape teases Harry about Sirius, but now Sirius is dead, Harry reacts more violently than he expected. We follow Snape through the sixth year, as well as his thinking, and the slight evolution of some of his feelings.
1. Decisive Conflict

**-Chapter one-**

**Decisive conflict**

"You..." Harry hissed, moving back; something as furore and hate was boiling in his insides. Pain was increasing in his young mind in every instant. He had lost more than his temper; to this very moment he was no more able to think whatever it was. In his anger he was unconscious of his spiritual pain -- he was not capable to see that his fury, which was driving him mad, was due to this pain...  
"You dog ... you vermin... you, filthy..." he said in a shaking voice -- he had never shaken so much. He did not know what he was going to say - indeed he knew nothing about nothing -- so he plunged his hand in his pocket, to take his wand. He raised it.  
"Harry!" Dumbledore stood at his side. There was such a fog in Harry's brain that he was not really able to understand whatever it was, but the sound came to his ears and he felt unable to move. His wand was taken off his clenched hand.  
"Headmaster..." Snape began.

"You may go, Severus." Snape strode off the room, quickly and quietly.  
"Will you follow me, Harry?" It was not a request but obviously an order. "Now, we are going to my office"

Harry wavered, then he followed him, fog in his brain, pain in his heart, a deep sadness in his young soul and everything drowned by a white hot anger, burning his insides.  
"Sugar Quill" said Dumbledore sharply and they entered. "I am very angry with you, Harry"  
But the boy was not able to understand what he was told - he was just able to feel - and he was feeling nothing else than wild rushes of anger. As Harry did not pay any attention to what he was told, Dumbledore changed his mind and spoke again, a bit louder. "Come here, give me your fingers, and don't move." He took a ruler and snapped it on Harry's fingers.  
Very slowly, Harry went back to his senses -- fog began to disappear -- minutes elapsed. He became aware of Dumbledore's anger and went troubled. He had never expected it to happen. Sadness and pain became clearer and clearer. He felt as drowned by suffering feelings. He had felt like killing, and now he was feeling like dying.

"I am afraid I will have to punish you, Harry." Harry did not answer. "But it would be useless to punish you if you do not understand how wrong you were."  
Harry raised his eyes a quarter of second to look at Dumbledore, then lowered them shivering slightly.

"I know you were feeling a violent pain, which one had been awoken by professor Snape, but it is not a decent reason to get half-mad. You did no effort to resist to your insane furore, you abandoned yourself to wild emotions."  
Harry's body was covered with sweat. Dumbledore was slightly breathless.  
"Do you understand what you told him and what you were on the point to do?"  
Harry lowered his head without a word. "I am personally cross with you."  
Harry lowered still more his head, but this time, it was to hide his trouble, to escape Dumbledore's eyes.  
"You insulted someone who is working to my service, in other words, my friend. I can hardly bear to see my friends insulted..."  
A minute passed, in a heavy silence.  
"Professor Snape has suffered as you have, Harry. I had thought you would understand it but you do not care about his feelings, and I..." He stopped at mid-sentence, to survey Harry through his half moon spectacles.  
Now, Harry was ashamed and very troubled because Dumbledore was angry with him. The wish it had never happened was increasing in him every second. "I am disappointed by your behaviour, Harry, by your misunderstanding of others' feelings. That is all, you may go now."  
"Professor," Harry began, "I didn't mean to ..." Harry stopped speaking.  
Dumbledore was ready to listen to him but he suddenly noticed he had nothing to say.  
"When shall I be in detention?" Harry asked.

"Tomorrow evening. Eight o'clock  
"Goodbye then," Harry said in a low voice.  
"Goodbye," he answered heavily.

Snape hesitated an instant then whispered "Sugar quill". He arrived in front of the door and shivered, slightly paler than usual... Eventually, he knocked at the door and waited ... It got open...  
"Come in, Severus"  
He entered. They faced a few seconds.  
"Headmaster..." he said in a breath.  
"I am afraid not to be able to be Headmaster with such a teacher and such a student." Dumbledore answered calmly and coldly.  
Snape did not stop watching him. Dumbledore looked angry, though quiet enough. Snape began to worry and feel bad. Dumbledore had not got really cross with him for... at least twelve years.  
"Do not say that -- I pray you... that is not true." his voice which had shaken at the beginning of the sentence became firmer at its end.  
"Severus?"  
Snape nodded shortly to mean he was listening.  
"I had not thought you would be so cruel towards a young boy. You awoke in him a terrible pain, you provoked him, you drove him mad, you brought him to such a state of suffering that he went unconscious of what he was saying. You had already -- many times -- been sharp, cold, nearly rude with him, perhaps a bit unfair, but never before had you made him to suffer so much."  
Snape felt something as shame increasing in him for the first time since the instant he had entered. He lowered his eyes, he felt sorry... He had always known how much Dumbledore liked Harry but he did not know... he did not mean... or perhaps he did, and he did not mean to know it.  
"Headmaster... I did not mean... you know I... "  
His voice lost itself in a deep silence. Snape did know it and did mean it -- he was not able to lie.  
"You knew it very well."  
"But...?" he said bitterly.  
"Yes?" asked Dumbledore with a point of interest.  
"Nothing, it does not matter." he muttered hopelessly.  
He did not dare to ask, he felt too ashamed, too wrong towards him. Perhaps he would ask later... how late was later?  
"You may go now."  
"Er... "  
Snape did not want to go now, he wished to be forgiven before, or maybe he wished Dumbledore to rage and storm at him. In anyway he could not go now.  
"You do not want to leave?"  
"No." answered Snape in a polite and slightly hesitating tone.  
"Come here, then"  
He did as he was told.  
"Give me your fingers."  
He gave his fingers to Dumbledore who took a ruler and snapped it on Snape's fingers.  
"Do you wish ...?" Dumbledore asked.  
"Yes." answered Snape.  
"All right."  
He snapped it again on Snape's fingers.  
"That is right now?"  
"I think so, Headmaster." replied Snape respectfully.  
"So?"  
"Goodbye." mouthed Snape in the bitter and hopeless tone of the one who is not going to be answered.  
"Goodbye, Severus." he answered back, not in his warm and friendly usual voice but not in a as sharp and as cold voice as he could have answered.  
Snape went out, with a last glance on the Headmaster, who looked still angry enough. Snape felt stranger than ever, and perhaps a bit dizzy, but better than at the moment he had knocked at the office door and awaited Dumbledore to open it to him.

Harry was drawing his feet -- he did not feel like being punished -- through he felt he deserved it. He knocked at the door and waited. The door opened itself.  
"You may enter, Harry." said Dumbledore in a serious tone.  
Harry for the first time felt something as a hint of fear -- Dumbledore was still cross with him.  
"Er... thanks ... 'evening."  
" 'Evening" answered back Dumbledore, but he did not look as caring about the evening, his thoughts were somewhere else.  
"Sit down."  
Harry sat down.  
"What do I have to do?" Harry asked at mid-voice.  
Dumbledore took a book and put it in Harry's hands. This book was quite familiar to Harry.  
"Open it, page 999."  
He did as he was told.  
"Read chapter 45"  
Harry began to read aloud... Time passed...  
"I've finished the chapter," said Harry.  
"Read it again, then."  
Time elapsed ...  
"I've finished."  
"Good... How would you do a potion to increase elephant's tusks growing?"  
"I would... er... wait the full moon."  
"And?"  
"Er... I would need... moonstone, dragon blood...  
"And?"  
"Er ... I ... I don't know, professor."  
"You do not know?"  
"No... I don't." Harry was feeling really worried.  
Why on earth was not he able to answer? What was going to happen? Was Dumbledore going to punish him? to give him another detention? How cross was he about his knowing not how to prepare a potion for elephants? Was he going to tell him to go out?  
"Come here, then."  
Harry came, drawing his feet, as if it was useful to arrive... ten seconds later... He felt afraid enough, though he had an idea of what was going to happen - it was not so terrible - or perhaps it was. When he arrived near Dumbledore, he still did not know what he would do because he did not mean to know it.  
"Give me your fingers" Harry did as he was told, grudgingly because, indeed, he had not really mean to deserve what he was going to get and he did not mean to get what he deserved. Dumbledore snapped his ruler on Harry's fingers, then he told him peacefully:  
"Read it again."  
Half an hour passed...  
"I've finished"  
"Read it again, then"  
Half an hour went off...  
"I've finished" said Harry in a voice lower than ever.  
"Would you be able to answer to a question about it?"  
"Yes, I think so," said Harry, he nearly knew the text by heart.  
"You may go then."  
Harry raised his eyes to look at Dumbledore. The way he had acted was proving he trusted him.  
"Goodnight, Harry"  
When Harry heard him, he felt sadder and sadder: he was not used to being spoken in such cool tones by Dumbledore. He would perhaps have preferred him to hit his fingers again, rather than to send him away coldly. That was too much. Would Dumbledore always behave like this toward him? Would Harry never obtain his pardon? He felt a rush of sadness and he understood that Dumbledore was overawing him and had always overawed him. Sadness was increasing in him. He was not able to bear it, tears went to his eyes. He meant to answer, but, he thought, his eyes fixed on the floor, that if he opened his mouth, he would give no sound but a sob. That is why he kept it closed. He hurried towards the door.  
When Dumbledore saw he was weeping, he posed his hand on Harry's shoulder, who kept his gaze on the floor, shaking from head to foot.  
"Harry?" said Dumbledore, gently and firmly.  
Harry, who would had given everything for Dumbledore to speak to him in that kind way, a few minutes before, now wished more than ever to leave his office.  
"You know very well what you have to do, Harry. Do it then."  
"I … I don't know …" protested Harry.

"You do, but you do not mean it."  
Harry answered nothing, maybe it was true. As Dumbledore was adding nothing, he strode off. Dumbledore watched him to go away.  
"Let us hope..."He told Fawkes.

"Headmaster?"  
"Yes?" Dumbledore answered in a slightly annoyed tone.  
"I mean to go -I had to tell you-- for the Order. I'll be back in a few days, perhaps more ... a couple of weeks."  
"Where?" asked Dumbledore who looked worried.  
"You know," Snape replied firmly and calmly.  
"We already spoke about it, I told you it was too dangerous. You agreed with me" Dumbledore said in an hopeless tone. He felt Snape was going to risk his life. He felt that whatever he would say Snape would leave because he had decided so.  
"I changed my mind, Headmaster," Snape replied, looking at him, and when Dumbledore saw the daring on Snape's face, he felt something as admiration towards him, so courageous and so faithful to the Order. But he knew it was lost.  
"I pray you, Severus, don't."  
"I will, Headmaster," Snape said, self-confident. But Dumbledore was growing more and more anxious.  
"Be sensible, Severus. I do not want any member of the Order dying".  
"Of course you do not, you never wish anyone to die. But I think I'll be able to handle this, and if I manage to get out, the Order will be in a very advanced position".  
"And if you do not?"  
"The Order will lose nothing. You know I would never betray the Order, you ... "  
"Yes?"  
"Nothing," said quickly Snape who felt suddenly very embarrassed. Dumbledore decided not to insist.  
"You called a member "nothing"; if the Order was losing a member, it would not lose a nothing," Dumbledore said reproachfully.  
"I did not mean to, but... "  
"You did," Dumbledore replied sharply.  
"I beg your pardon ... I meant to say that you could manage without me. I am not very useful. Who would care about my ... er... disappearing?"  
"I would care, Severus, and you do as if you do not know it, just to hear me to tell it again."  
"I am sorry, Headmaster, but I was not able to resist to the occasion to get a last mark of ... before to go so far from Hogwarts... "  
Dumbledore knew that there was just a last way to keep Snape near him : intimidation, authority.  
"Goodbye, I must go now, Headmaster."  
"No, you will not" said Dumbledore sharply and firmly  
"I... "  
"I do not want you to leave, Severus"  
"But... "  
"You are not allowed. I forbid it to you."  
Snape lowered his eyes a quarter of second, he shivered slightly, then he felt ashamed to have hesitated, raised his eyes again, and, looking straight in Dumbledore's blue ones, he spoke slowly and seriously.  
"I must go, Headmaster."  
Dumbledore understood he was going to leave, there was nothing to do.  
"Severus?"  
"Headmaster?"  
"May I ask you?"  
"Yes?"  
"Please, do not leave today... wait until tomorrow evening."  
"All right."  
Dumbledore felt pain and fear as Snape was walking out, because he knew it was a bit his fault if Snape meant to go.

Snape arrived in the dungeons.  
"Good-morning, everyone."  
"Good-morning, Professor," answered every student in the class.  
Snape looked in a better mood than ever. Harry was rather surprised.  
"Today, we are going to prepare a potion to increase elephants' tusks growing. Who know how to do it?"

Strangely, Snape did not feel afraid at all. He had not been in such high spirits for months. Harry dared to raise his hand. Snape was surprised, but he asked in a gentle and warm voice:  
"Yes, Mr Potter?"  
"I would wait the full moon... "Harry began. When he had finished (... And eventually I would let it infuse for ten minutes, and then I would bottle it.) Snape answered:  
"It is a very correct answer, Mr Potter. Five points for Gryffindor."  
That was the first time for five years Harry had made Gryffindor win points during Snape's class. Though to say this seemed hard enough to Snape, now he was beaming, expressing something as deep self-satisfaction. He snapped his fingers and what they had to do got written on the blackboard. They began to work.  
"Mr Longbottom?"  
"Yes, sir?" asked Neville in a shaking voice.  
"Do not put dragon blood now; you must put moonstone first." replied Snape gently and warmly.  
"Yes... thank you Professor."  
"Do not mention it."  
Neville found him so noble that he turned intimidated, went pink, and kept his eyes on the floor. On the other hand, Harry was feeling worse and worse, he had the sensation to be guilty towards Dumbledore and towards Snape, but this troubling sentiment did not soften his dislike for the Potions Master.  
The lesson came to an end. Neville proudly brought a sample of his potion to Snape who gave him an encouraging smile. Harry meant to go but Snape spoke to him.  
"Will you stay an instant, if you please?"  
Everyone left the dungeons but Harry.  
"Sir?"  
"Harry... "  
Harry gave a start. It was the first time Snape had called him by his first name.  
"I am sorry to have made you suffer so much, three days ago... "Snape went on "I did not really think... or rather I did, but I know I should not have acted in that way towards you. I beg your pardon... "  
Harry did something as a gesture to mean he was accepting the apologies. There was an embarrassed silence. Harry knew it was the best moment to present his excuses, too. He knew he was wrong to have attempted to attack Snape. Snape was paler than usually, and he was slightly breathless, as if he had done a kind of effort. But Harry's feeling of guilt was drowned by his vanity. No, he was not going to apologise; he was not going to humiliate himself in front of someone he disliked so much. But Snape was expecting him to break the silence, that is why he broke it:  
"Goodbye, then."  
"Goodbye," replied Snape, and he swept off.

"Severus?"  
"Headmaster?"  
"Will you please, pass in my office after dinner, just to speak about a few things?  
"If you wish, but--"  
"--Do not worry, I shall not be too long. I will not discuss again ..."  
Dumbledore stopped, hesitating to finish his sentence.  
"The points I needed three hours for you to be half persuaded?"  
"Thanks, Severus, it is what I meant to say," answered gently Dumbledore.  
Snape gave him a teasing smile.  
"And what about...?" enquired Dumbledore.  
"Harry?"  
"Yes?"  
Snape looked at him happily.  
"All is correct."  
Dumbledore beamed at him, posed his hand on Snape's shoulder in a friendly way; Snape lowered his eyes, but he felt happy because he knew he deserved this mark of affection.  
"I am happy and proud of your being sensible, Severus."

Dumbledore met Harry in a corridor.  
"Good after-noon, Harry." he said, beaming down at him.  
"Good after-noon." Harry answered automatically. Dumbledore went his way, leaving Harry struck by amazement, wondering why Dumbledore was so nice with him, why he had not spoken in a cold voice, why he was no longer angry with him.  
Dinner time came, Snape, who was sitting to Dumbledore's right, was talking with him in an happy-go-lucky way. When the meal came to an end, Dumbledore rose and left the room. Snape waited for a moment then he rose too, and, as he passed near Professor McGonagall, she spoke to him at mid-voice:  
"Good luck, Severus."  
She gave him her hand; he bent courteously and kissed it.  
"Thanks, Minerva."  
"Good-bye."  
"Er... Good-bye."  
He went his way shaking a few hands on his passage. An instant later, he knocked at Dumbledore's door, which was opened as soon as he did it; he felt caught off his guard, he had not expected it to be opened so quickly.  
"Good-evening, Severus."  
" Evening, Headmaster."  
"Come in, please."  
Snape entered.  
"Sit down." asked Dumbledore quietly.  
He did as he as told. Fawkes gave a sweet song, then he went to settle in Snape's lap. Snape stroked him with the very end of his fingers.  
"As you refused anyone to come with you... "  
"As I needed three hours for you to be half persuaded you had to stay at Hogwarts." said Snape with a mischievous smile.  
"Be careful, Severus, I could lose my temper," answered Dumbledore seriously, but he did not look cross at all. Snape ventured on asking politely:  
"Would you?"  
"Of course, I would not; not today," answered Dumbledore quietly, but in a tone which made Snape understand they were going to have a sensible conversation, and it was better not to answer something as: "Tomorrow draws on apace." That is why he answered nothing, and it was wise from him.  
"As you do not mean me, neither Professor McGonagall, neither Professor Flitwick, neither anyone to come with you -and perhaps you are right -- I decided-and he agreed- Fawkes will follow you, I think he could be useful."  
Snape looked at the bird. He found him so beautiful that he felt moved.  
"No," he protested, rather embarrassed, "I cannot... "  
"You can, and you have to."  
"Why?"  
"You mean to go today, don't you?"  
"I do."  
"So, if you need three hours for me to be half persuaded, this day will come to an end before you have finished; and it is not with me that you will have to discuss, but with Fawkes, who means to go with you, and I warn you, he is as stubborn as I am."  
"All right, Headmaster," answered Snape who was happy enough to give up.  
"And, as you cannot Disapparate here because it is impossible, as you will not Disapparate when you have left Hogwarts, because--"  
"--I would be noticed by wizards."  
"Yes.--That is why I intend to provide you an animal you could mount; I first thought to give you a hippogriff, but they have been distrustful lately ... Eventually, I thought you would like Coriolan very much. He is a good animal. I tied him near the lake."  
Snape shivered to the word "distrustful", but Dumbledore did not notice it.  
"I reckoned your bicycle -- with such bad roads ... "  
"I see... "  
"Coriolan is used to mud, water and everything... "--Snape knew Dumbledore was going to say soon something as "but" and he did not feel like hearing it.--"... But, when you arrive you know where, you will have to send him back... "  
"How?" asked Snape, conscious, for the first time since he had entered, of the darkness he was going to face.  
"Just tell him to go back home, to go back to me. All these names are familiar to him. I am sure he will understand."  
A minute passed.  
"Severus?"  
"Yes?"  
"I mean to congratulate you. I am pleased with your behaviour towards Harry and your patience with Neville; though ... "  
"Mm?"  
"I mean to say I perhaps would have preferred you to stay-- but I understand you- and I admire your courage ..."  
"Er... thanks ..." said Snape perhaps a bit embarrassed.  
"I want to tell you good luck, Severus."  
"Thanks very much, Headmaster," answered Snape softy.  
"I do not think you desire I proceed to usual... er... recommendations."  
"I do," said Snape in such a low voice Dumbledore could hardly catch it.  
"As you want."  
He surveyed Snape very seriously over his half-moon spectacles.  
"First I want you to come back"-Snape felt happy to be told that, because at this moment, the idea he could not come back did not even cross his mind.  
"Healthy, if possible, you know, I am not pleased to see you spend a week in the hospital wing, after your travels." Dumbledore gave him a look which meant he was going to speak about things he would not feel happy to hear. "Don't fight if it is not necessary - avoid violence as much as possible - do not provoke people, and do not get provoked too easily."  
"Yes, Headmaster."  
"Be prudent, Severus, you are going to a terrible place which is dangerous for everyone... "  
"I will come back, Headmaster."  
"Let us hope ... "  
"Headmaster?"  
"Yes?"  
"I pray you do not worry about me ... I do not want you to be worried because of me... "  
"Severus?"  
"Yes?"  
"Is there anything you wish?"  
"Yes, Professor."  
And Snape meant it so clearly Dumbledore could not pretend not to have understood.  
"Do you wish...?"  
"Yes." answered Snape  
"All right."  
Dumbledore snapped his ruler on Snape's fingers.  
"What is the matter with you, Severus?" enquired Dumbledore with something as concern in the voice. "Did you get cross with someone?"  
"No..." Snape replied hesitantly.  
"Did anyone get cross with you?"  
"No... "  
"What is wrong, then?"  
"Harry... "  
"Did you apologise to him?"  
"Yes, I did." said Snape. Dumbledore knew he was not lying.  
"Everything is right, then." Dumbledore did not understand that Snape did not feel forgiven by Harry and was troubled about it. "Perhaps he is not very nice with you, but it is natural. He feels humiliated. Don't worry."  
Dumbledore was persuaded that Harry had apologised, coldly perhaps, but he did not think he could have not done at all.  
Several minutes elapsed...  
"I think I must introduce Coriolan to you."  
They both stood up; Dumbledore went to the door and held it open for Snape.


	2. Coriolan and Canter

**-Chapter two-**

**Coriolan and Canter**

The sky was starry and the moon's reflection was glittering on the lake's surface. In its beams you could distinguish the silhouette of a superb animal.

"Coriolan!" called Dumbledore, "Come here!"  
Coriolan came, as quickly and as lightly as the wind, and he stopped at Dumbledore's right hand. Dumbledore patted his neck gently, then he waved his wand and the stallion appeared in a bath of light. He was a bay colt, his hair was brown with tawny gleams; his mane and tail were black and untidy. Snape was full of admiration; Coriolan had a beautiful neck, powerful legs, dark and shining eyes.  
"He is wonderful, Headmaster."  
"He knows cold, storms, fire and pain, but he has not a very big experience. He is just four years old, after all..." Dumbledore stroked Coriolan's head. "Coriolan, you will have to go with Severus, do you understand?" Coriolan gave a clever glance to Snape. "When he tells you, you will have to come back ... "  
Coriolan went straight to Snape who stroked him.  
"He is in a hurry to go ... He does not know what expects him ..."Sighed Dumbledore, when Coriolan posed his head on Snape's shoulder.  
"Yes ... he does not ... "Snape answered dreamily. Suddenly, something-- a noise-- awoke Snape's attention.  
"Who is there?" he asked.  
"It is perhaps Canter," answered Dumbledore. "Canter!"  
Canter came; it was a horse, not as beautiful as Coriolan, but not bad at all.  
"It is Coriolan's brother, he likes him very much. There is a link between them I cannot explain."  
"It was not him, Headmaster."  
"It is probably a student going for a little walk before going to bed..."  
Dumbledore glanced around. "Harry, come here, please."  
Harry came, rather troubled.  
"Harry, Professor Snape is leaving to help the Order."  
"Yes..." answered Harry, and he felt wrong not to have apologised, it was not going to be possible during several days.  
"He is going to a very dangerous place, Harry."  
Harry felt still worse; what if Snape was never coming back, as he was guilty towards him? But Harry was not able to apologise now, that is why he kept his eyes on the grass.  
Snape had meant to tell Dumbledore he was a bit worried about Harry, but now Harry was there, it was no more possible. "It does not matter," thought Snape "there is nothing I can be reproached with now; I did as I had to."  
"I will have to tie Canter," said Dumbledore thoughtfully "until you are back, he would do everything to follow Coriolan, and he would always be able to find him, but I shall need him, so... "  
"Yes ..." answered Snape.  
They exchanged a deep look.  
"Be patient with Coriolan, even if he is sometimes... a bit annoying... "  
"Do not worry, I will be patient." answered Snape heavily. He knew it was time to go.  
Dumbledore untied Coriolan and tied Canter in his place.  
"Good-bye, Harry," said Snape quietly.  
"Good-bye, Professor," answered Harry politely.  
"Good luck, Severus." Dumbledore watched Snape, and he felt reassured to see daring and determination on his face.  
They shook hands.  
"Good-bye, Headmaster."  
"Good-bye, Severus."  
Snape mounted on his horse, as easily as if he had done it during his whole life. He pressed his legs against Coriolan's body to make him move, and he noticed he was going towards Hogwarts; as he meant to leave it, he resisted with his hands and the horse stepped back. Snape made him step back a few yards, just to watch Hogwarts as he left it; then, he made him take such a narrow turn, in such a fast way that Coriolan leant dangerously. Snape slowed down and Coriolan contented himself trotting. When he was trotting, Coriolan was impressive enough. He was holding up his neck and lowering his head in such a way that the slightly in-curved line which was going from his forehead to his muzzle was nearly vertical. Then Snape gave Coriolan such an impulse ahead that he took a great gallop, and they vanished in the distance...  
"Good night, Harry." Dumbledore went his way.  
"'Night," answered Harry. When he was sure Dumbledore had left, Harry went to Canter, untied him and mounted on his back.  
"Ahead, Canter!"  
And Canter gave all his speed...  
Harry stopped just a few minutes to pass in Hagrid's cabin and borrow a few things he would need. Hagrid was not there, he was probably in the Forbidden Forest. But when Harry tried to mount Canter again, he reared up.  
"You ..." said Harry fiercely.  
Five minutes later, he was riding away.

The morning came...   
Dumbledore arrived in the dungeons.  
"Good-morning to you all."  
Students were worried. Why was Dumbledore there? What was the matter with Snape? But, as they had been taught to do it, they answered:  
"Good morning, Professor."  
Dumbledore glanced around.  
"I am afraid Professor Snape will not teach you during a few days, I shall take his place."  
The students nodded.  
"Where is Harry?" asked Dumbledore.  
Hermione and Ron exchanged a look.  
"I did not see Harry this morning," Hermione whispered, "did you?"  
"No, I did not," Ron answered.  
"Did you see him yesterday evening?"  
"I did not."  
Hermione looked rather worried. Perhaps Dumbledore was, but he did not let it to be guessed; He looked as calm as usual.  
"Let us begin the lesson," he said peacefully.

The bell rang.  
"Good-bye everyone!" and Dumbledore swept out...  
"Canter!"  
He knew Canter was not going to come, he knew Harry had left with him...  
"Minerva?"  
"Yes?"  
"Will you please tell Dedalus Diggle to teach Potions in Professor Snape's place? I am going."  
"Dedalus Diggle?" repeated McGonagall "Do you think he is suitable for the post?"  
"Yes, I do, Minerva, but if you prefer Mundungus Fletcher... "  
"Why are you leaving?" she asked worryingly.  
"Harry ran away with Canter."  
"Where?"  
"You know it," answered Dumbledore, "he is following Professor Snape."  
Professor McGonagall went pale.  
"Why?" she asked.  
"He had not been invited, but he invited himself."  
"You may not leave, Albus."  
"Of course I can. I trust you; you will take care of everything, will not you?"  
"Of course, I will," she answered heavily, understanding Dumbledore had to do something about Harry.  
"Good-bye, Minerva."  
"Good-bye." And Dumbledore strode off.  
"Thunderhead!"  
Thunderhead came. He was a large white horse, nearly as superb as Coriolan. Dumbledore mounted on his back.  
"Ahead, Thunderhead!"  
Thunderhead broke into a fast gallop.

After riding Coriolan a few hours, Snape stopped him and jumped down. Coriolan was tired enough, though he was not half as much tired as a normal horse should have been after four hours of gallop. Snape patted him on the neck. "Good boy," he said at mid voice, "I have never seen such a wonderful horse before."  
Now Snape was lying in his hammock Fawkes came to perch on a close branch. Snape stretched his arm and stroked him gently. Fawkes gave a sweet sound to mean he was glad.  
"I am happy to be with you, Fawkes," said Snape quietly. And he fell asleep.  
When Snape awoke, Fawkes was no longer there. "Fawkes!" he called at mid-voice, "come here if you please." But Fawkes did not come.  
Snape harnessed Coriolan, untied him and decided to go. He felt something as frustration and perhaps a hint of anger.  
"A faithful animal," he mused, "I wonder if ... "  
Coriolan watched him in a friendly way. Snape felt his anger fall.  
"He will come back soon, will he not?"  
The horse gave him a clever glance.  
"He will always be able to find me," thought Snape, "let us go."  
He rode the whole day.  
The evening came, Coriolan's body was covered with sweat. He was breathing in a way which made Snape worry. He slowed him down and made the reins longer. He enjoyed a few minutes to see him walking slowly, his head so low that it was nearly touching the grass. They both felt calm and happy. Snape was stroking Coriolan whispering kind things:  
"You are superb, Coriolan."  
They arrived in a stony stream, Coriolan walked in and drank as the clear water was running to his foot.  
Soon, Snape pressed his legs against Coriolan's body.  
"Ahead, Coriolan!"  
But Coriolan did not begin to trot. He stopped walking.  
"Come on!" and Snape pressed his legs again, but Coriolan did not budge. Snape meant to hit him, to punish him. Then he remembered he had been told: "Be patient with Coriolan," that is why he changed his mind. But in any case he could not let Coriolan disobey his orders. He wished him to trot and he was going to. Snape insisted, but Coriolan did not move.  
"Very well," said Snape sharply, and he got down. They faced a few seconds. Coriolan showed something as wonder, then self satisfaction.  
"You're proud, aren't you?" snarled Snape.  
He took Coriolan's reins and gave a good tug. Coriolan moved a bit. Snape walked swiftly and pulled the reins in such a way that Coriolan was able to do nothing but to follow him. Snape watched Coriolan with deep self satisfaction, and quickened his pace.  
"That is better now."  
Snape took longer strides. Soon Coriolan had to trot in order to follow him.  
When they stopped and that Snape tied Coriolan for the night, the horse gave him a furious look and began to browse. He clearly did not want to watch Snape any more.  
"Sulky boy," Snape muttered, annoyed. Ten minutes later, he fell asleep...  
He was in a large dungeons, the walls were dimly lit by torches, far in the darkness there were shadowy faces, many of them, but he had never been so alone for long. He was feeling his courage vacillate. He was closing his mind to pain, sadness and fear. He was on the point to go to Azkaban, but it did not matter, he would overcome this horror, he would bear it; he had been defending himself for hours, but nobody had listened to him. It was lost; there was nothing else he could do.  
There stood Dumbledore. His calm voice resounded in the whole room:  
"I vouch for him."  
Gratitude rushed in Snape's soul. Great expectations filled his mind... Now happiness was boiling in him... He was shaking Dumbledore's hand and Dumbledore was beaming at him; that is at this very moment he knew that he would always be faithful towards him. Dumbledore was his Master.  
Snape awoke and glanced around. Strangely he was far from home, but he did not feel alone at all. He would never feel that alone again. He would never feel again the emptiness and the despair he had felt, because Dumbledore would wait for him, and because he was a member of the Order of the Phoenix. Then he thought of Fawkes who was not at his sides, and of Coriolan who was angry with him.  
"Fawkes will come back," he thought, "at the very moment I shall stop waiting for him." Then he remembered Coriolan. He jumped on his foot.  
"Coriolan... "  
He rubbed Coriolan's withers and the horse stretched his neck with pleasure.  
"Today you had to gallop very much, perhaps too much, but tomorrow will be less hard for you."  
Coriolan looked at him.  
"I promise, mate," said Snape gently, and he patted Coriolan's neck, then he put off his halter to stroke his head.

Snape was aroused from his sleep by Coriolan's fresh muzzle.  
"Leave me alone ..."  
But Coriolan did not mean to.  
"All right... "  
Coriolan insisted.  
"... It is time to go."  
Snape got down. He heard a very nice sound.  
"Fawkes!" he called, "Fawkes, come here!"  
He was happy to see Fawkes, but he was cross to have had to wait him for so long, that is why, when the bird perched on his forearm, he told him sharply:  
"Where have you been, Fawkes?"  
Fawkes answered with a sweet tune, then he left Snape. Snape called him:  
"Come here, if you please, we are leaving."  
Fawkes came back, this time, someone followed him. It was a beautiful female phoenix; her eyes were blue, and her feathers tawny with glint of gold. When Fawkes perched on Snape's arm, she settled to his side without any fear, and gave a soft cooing noise, as a dove would have done.  
"She is darling," Snape told Fawkes, stretching his hand to stroke her," she counts among the fairest creatures on the earth," he added gently. "Congratulations, Fawkes."

Snape was particularly nice with Coriolan that day, but Coriolan eventually understood why: He was going to send him back at home. Coriolan did not want to go back. He liked Snape too much. Snape had great presence, he was calm and powerful as a "Master" had to be; and, in the same time, something wonderful was boiling in him -something Coriolan loved without being able to identify it. It was more than courage; it was a spiritual substance which was beyond what Coriolan could catch. Coriolan thought that, when his narrow horse's mind would stop being filled with this precious strength, he would die. So, when Snape patted his neck for the tenth time, he reared up. He was furious with Snape for sending him away.  
Snape got angry with Coriolan for the first time. He jumped down.  
"Away," he snarled, "you are fed up with me, just go away!"  
Coriolan stared at him. Snape went straight to him and gave him a cuff.  
"Away!" he repeated.  
Coriolan looked offended, but Snape did not care about it. He slapped the horse on the head.  
"Go away. Now!"  
Coriolan ran away. Snape watched him to go. His wrath fell, but he thought he had acted for the best. Coriolan was wrong; though Snape had been kind with him, he had tried to throw him. "He's ill-bred," Snape muttered. Then he remembered Coriolan had been brought up by Dumbledore. "He is young," he thought," let us wait till he gets older and wiser."  
He watched the two phoenixes playing together.  
"But I will not see him for days and days ..."he mused.  
Snape squatted down and stroked both phoenixes.  
"Soon, we shall leave the forest... "  
It meant he was going to face the darkness soon. But he was not afraid at all. He had spiritual strengths...

Coriolan was wandering alone. He was sad, he did not want to go back at Hogwarts. He knew that if he was coming back, Dumbledore would stroke him, and he would be free to go where he felt as going. Dumbledore would ride him only a few hours in the week, and, during the time left he could browse and caper in the fields. Sometimes, he would come up to Dumbledore to be given some hay. He had liked this life, but now, when he was thinking about it, he was finding it stupid and boring. He had no wish at all to go back at Hogwarts; he missed Snape, his beloved master. He felt unhappier than ever. He was going to die because he was a poor alone and bored horse. He did not mean to die. "Don't die, then," he thought, "go back to Snape."  
He began to run, but he remembered Snape's wrath. Snape did not mean him to go back; he was going to hit him and to scold him. Then he thought to the sadness he was going to feel if he was not joining his master, and it became clear that it did not matter to be chidden; as long as he would be with Snape he would be happy.  
He felt an impulse ahead and began to gallop.

Dumbledore stopped Thunderhead. It had suddenly occurred to him that the place he should be was the one he had just left. There was something wrong at Hogwarts, lives were threatened. He had to go back. He turned back, his horse running faster than ever. Soon, when he would reach Hogwarts, he would be sorry not to have trusted Snape enough, not to have understood nothing could happen to Harry because, when Harry would join Snape in the darkness, Snape would protect him. He would do everything to keep him safe from harm, he would be ready to die for him, even if he had never liked him.

Coriolan came back to his master. He kept his eyes on the earth and awaited his reaction. Snape did not speak to him. Coriolan had been unbearable, to be ignored was serving him right. Coriolan came closer and gave a soft groan.  
"Away!" said Snape coldly, looking at him scornfully.  
Coriolan gave him the frightened look of the guilty child who is going to be punished, but he dared come closer and put his head on his shoulder in a tender way.  
"Bad boy!" said Snape on a scolding tone. Coriolan shivered slightly but he did not move.  
"Very well," said Snape sharply, and, without any other glance at Coriolan, he began to walk swiftly. Coriolan followed him, his head lower than ever. Suddenly, Snape turned round. Coriolan stopped walking. They stood face to face.  
"Still there, aren't you?" asked Snape coldly. Coriolan looked at him sadly with something as a hint of hope. It was his way to beg Snape's pardon.  
"All right," said Snape gently and quietly,"... All right..."He held out his hand and stroked Coriolan's head. "I forgive you, Coriolan."  
The horse watched him in awe.  
They both walked peacefully for a few minutes, then Snape stopped and mounted on Coriolan's back. As soon as Snape was on his back, the horse gave all his speed. Snape pressed his legs against his body and Coriolan stretched his neck immediately in order to go still faster.  
"Ahead, Coriolan!"  
He galloped an hour, then he felt Snape meant him to stop running, but he did not want to obey because he did not wish to go back at home. Then he remembered Snape's anger. He stopped resisting to his hand. Snape jumped down. Coriolan was breathing especially quickly.  
"Out of breath, are you, mate?" asked Snape gently. He leaned against a tree and watched his companion getting his breath back. Then he understood; he touched Coriolan's hair. It was perfectly dry.  
"Oh," he said, "you are a little cheat!"  
As a matter of fact Coriolan was pretending to be out of breath.  
"Usually, you don't get that tired so quickly."  
Coriolan did not mean to be sent back, and he was ready to do everything in order to stay with Snape a few minutes more. He had guessed Snape would wait for him to get his breath back before sending him back at Hogwarts.  
"That is enough, stop acting."  
Coriolan did as he was told. There was a silence. The steed was happy because Snape was looking at him peacefully. He hoped the situation would never stop. But Snape spoke. He spoke in his calm voice which made Coriolan shiver with awe.  
"You think too much, Coriolan."  
That was true.  
"Twice more, at least, than other horses do ..."Coriolan gave a sad groan. "It could be dangerous for me... That is why you must go to Hogwarts ... "  
Coriolan prickled up his ears. He knew what "dangerous" and "go to Hogwarts" meant, but he did not why he had to come back if there was a danger. He thought he had to protect his master. He watched Snape with the expression of the one who understand nothing at all about anything.  
"Let me make the thing plain: _You_, Coriolan, are _dangerous_ for me."  
Coriolan gave an astonished look. He was dangerous for Snape?  
"That is why you must go back to Hogwarts."  
Coriolan did not want to believe him. He was not dangerous. He did not mean to hurt Snape... Then he remembered when he had reared up and he shook from head to foot, worried by his own behaviour. When Snape looked at him, Coriolan felt again the "spiritual presence" which filled his human's mind and made him above the poor horse he was. He lowered his head. He was not able to understand why it was dangerous him to stay with Snape, but he felt Snape had a good reason and he would never understand it; he was not clever enough; Snape was clever, he was right and Coriolan had to obey, however he would wait until Snape would ask him imperatively to leave before to go.  
Snape walked up to the forest's border, Coriolan following him quietly. There, he turned and took off the horse's bridle; then he passed his hand in Coriolan's untidy forelock, again and again to make it look better. Coriolan stayed still. He wondered if he would not move to mess it up, so Snape would busy himself with him longer, but he thought Snape could dislike it and he dared not to budge. Now Coriolan's forelock was done nice. Snape stopped caring about it.  
"You are a faithful animal, Coriolan." he said. Coriolan shivered with pleasure.  
"Go back to Hogwarts, go back to Dumbledore, go back home, Coriolan."  
Coriolan went to him and posed his head on his shoulder. Snape stroked him gently.  
"Go back home, Coriolan ... Go away … Now ..."  
Coriolan moaned.  
"Don't moan, Coriolan, I pray you... "  
He stopped moaning.  
"Good-bye, Coriolan."  
Snape patted him for the last time. Coriolan took a narrow turn and flew away, as he had done the first time Snape had ridden him.  
"Good."  
Fawkes went on Snape's shoulder.  
"Let us go."  
He did three steps. Now he was out the forest, he was affronting dark and cruel things, he was going to meet hatred and pain, but he was not afraid at all because the warm phoenix on his shoulder was now singing confidently.

Coriolan was thinking. It was dangerous him to be with Snape out the forest, before it was not. Why would he go back home? He just had to wait for Snape in the forest. Then, after longer thinking he reckoned he could leave the forest, as long as he was not going near Snape. He wanted to understand why the place was so dangerous and why it would make him dangerous. He turned back, then, with a last glance around him, he walked out. Now he was three steps out the forest, he felt as he had never felt before. Everything was dark, cold and cruel around him. Despair and fear filled his mind. He remembered the more painful things he had ever lived. He recoiled ... He was again in the forest, his body was covered with sweat, but now, he knew.

Harry wanted to tie Canter and to have some rest, but he reared up and he resisted more than ever. Harry understood how near Coriolan was, mounted again on Canter's back and let him go. Canter galloped, Harry leaned on his neck and grabbed his mane. Soon they would catch Coriolan...  
They reached the forest's border. Harry felt Canter meant him to get down. He jumped down. It was wise from him, if he had not Canter would have thrown him. Canter ran to Coriolan who had been waiting for Snape for three days. He put his head on Coriolan's withers and sighed with satisfaction. For a few minutes they exchanged marks of affection, then Coriolan glanced out the forest, he knew Snape would come back soon...  
Harry understood the horses would not come with him. He stroked Coriolan and patted Canter's neck.  
"Good-bye, Coriolan, good-bye, Canter."  
And he walked out the forest, straight in the darkness...


	3. About Closing one's Mind

**-Chapter three-  
About closing one's mind**

"Close your mind, Harry."

Everything was cold and dark around them. Harry could see dark figures getting closer and closer.  
"Close your mind."

Snape's voice was strangely distant in Harry's ears.  
"Close your mind, there are too many of them..."  
So many! Harry was shaking, but he did not close his mind. He was going to fight.  
"If there were only Dementors ... we could perhaps manage ... but there are Death Eaters, loads of them, close your mind and everything will be okay."  
Death Eaters... Harry heard, among a few others, a voice which was familiar to him... Hate rushed in his soul... he wanted to run up to Bellatrix Lestrange... to hit her, to hurt her...  
Snape stopped him.  
"Close your mind."  
It was too late... he had not, he could not.  
"Who is there?" asked Bellatrix Lestrange.  
It was lost. She was going to find them and to kill them. But Harry did not care. Nothing mattered...  
Snape knew exactly what he was going to do, he had no choice, but more he thought about it, worse he felt. "No..." he said within himself "I won't..." His body was covered with sweat... he stopped thinking and he spoke without listening to what he was saying. He spoke in a tone Harry did not know to him:  
"Friends of yours."  
"Prove it," said Bellatrix Lestrange.  
Snape raised his wand, muttered an incantation and something vast, green, glittering, erupted from the patch of darkness... it was an horrible, colossal skull, composed of what looked like emerald stars, with a serpent protruding from its mouth like a tongue... The Dark Mark...  
Harry was struck with horror... he did not feel pain and hate anymore...Snape's very low voice came to his ears:  
"Close your mind, Harry, then creep further... Fawkes will take care of you. Go... now."  
Harry closed his mind -- he had had too much -- He could not bear things around him... Bellatrix Lestrange... Dementors... other Death Eaters... He emptied his mind of all emotion because if he had not he would have died of horror, fear, hate and pain. He crawled on the grass. The Dementors could not feel him... no one could have felt there was a human being there. His mind was too tightly shut. He grasped Fawkes long golden tail; they rose in a swirl of colour... Now they were in the forest... out of danger.  
"Fawkes..." said Harry. And he knew no more…

When Harry woke up he had a raging fever. He heard Fawkes singing and felt relief, Fawkes's song was so sweet, he liked it so much ... he abandoned himself to his exhaustion -- that was so easy -- and fell asleep again.

"Harry..."  
Snape had sat down near to Harry, and Fawkes had perched on his left forearm. When Harry opened his eyes, this sight was quite painful for him. He felt angry with Fawkes. Why did he perch there rather than anywhere else? Why did he like Snape?  
"Fawkes saved your life," said Snape coldly.  
Harry felt half mad. He did not want Snape to know about what he was thinking, he closed his mind and he felt still worse.  
"Do you think you are acting for the best? To retire within yourself is clearly quite painful for you. Unless you wish to suffer you should try to empty your mind."  
Harry avoided eye contact with Snape.  
"Perhaps you are right, after all. Maybe you must think about yourself by yourself and consider the truth."  
Harry did not wish to listen to Snape, but Snape could easily be heard when he meant to.  
"You saw cruel things; therefore you found the world cruel. You have three possibilities: to break off from it, to face it, or to suffer. You chose the third one and I am afraid that you will be unhappy, as are many other people in the world."   
"But," answered Harry, his voice shivering with dislike, "you don't care, anyway."  
"I did everything I could to protect you from them."  
Harry knew that without Snape and the diversion he had created, he would probably have been killed.  
"I would have preferred to die rather than to be saved by you in that way!"  
"I would have preferred to die rather than to be saved by your father in that way!" returned Snape, "but that is not the question. He did it and I did it."  
"You saved my life, but you don't care about my being happy or unhappy, you are just giving me stupid advice!"  
"I do care about it."  
"And why? Because Dumbledore does, don't you? You have no heart, he has one for you!"  
"Harry," answered Snape wearily, "you have many things to understand and many things to learn about confidence, friendship and pain."  
He looked at Harry. His fever was raging more and more. "That is enough," Snape told him, "That is enough."  
That was true, Harry could not stand the situation and Snape disliked it.  
"We must go back to Hogwarts," said Snape firmly. Fawkes gave a cheerful sound to the name 'Hogwarts'  
"Let us go..." Snape went on. "Coriolan!"  
Coriolan, who had browsing nearby for hours, awaiting Snape to call for him, arrived as fast as wind.  
"I knew you were there, Coriolan."  
Coriolan prickled up his ears with interest.  
"Why didn't you come to me earlier? You didn't dare? Did you?"  
Coriolan gave him a guilty look.  
"You are a disobedient animal. I told you to go back to Hogwarts, and you did not," said Snape in a reproachful tone.  
Coriolan groaned sadly.  
"It does not matter, we are going back now," Snape added calmly.  
Coriolan looked at him and he understood why the place was not dangerous for Snape.  
"Such spiritual things," he thought, as gazing at Snape impassive face," so well controlled!" Coriolan knew Snape had a power on himself he had not, but he did not know why Snape was adopting such an expression, he did not know how troubled he was, he just admired him as he had always done.  
"Come here, Coriolan, old mate," said Snape more gently. Coriolan did as he was told and Snape patted him on the neck.  
"I forgive you, mate."

Then he went up to Harry. Harry got up, he had a temperature and he was shaking.  
"Harry," said Snape opening his mind a bit , "promise not to tell anyone..." He looked Harry straight in the eyes. "Promise that you will never tell anyone that I made the Dark Mark appear. Promise it!"

"I promise," said Harry, and he felt, as soon as he did it, the information drowning in the very depths of his soul. Now he was no longer able to say it to anyone.  
"Canter, come here," called Snape.  
Canter came and stopped to Coriolan's sides.

Harry could hardly remember the travel, but now he was at Hogwarts, Snape was walking swiftly and he was nearly running behind him. He did not know why he was following Snape. Perhaps it would have been too tiring to find something else to do. He did not feel like thinking about whatever it was.  
There stood Dumbledore.  
"Severus..." he began. He looked happy to see him back with Harry.  
"Headmaster," cut Snape in a snappish manner,"you should take Harry to the Hospital Wing. He is not fine, he has a temperature, though he took acetylsalisilic acid. I am afraid he is really ill." Dumbledore meant to say something, but Snape spoke:

"Goodbye then." and he strode off. Dumbledore watched him to go. He was surprised by Snape's behaviour, and perhaps slightly annoyed by it. But when he looked down at Harry, he understood a bit better. The boy was shaking with fever. "Severus must be rather worried," thought Dumbledore.  
Perhaps Snape was not, but Dumbledore was.  
"Harry?" he said gently  
Harry did not answer.

"Headmaster, you should give him some rest; he is more and more ill. "  
"No, Poppy, my apologies." Mrs Pomfrey left the room.  
"Harry..."  
Harry lay on a bed, he was boiling.  
"What did happen?"  
"We met Bellatrix Lestrange," he said in a breath.  
"And?"  
"She nearly killed me...but it does not matter..."  
"How did you escape?"  
"Snape did ... er ... I cannot tell you._.."  
"Prof_essor Snape, Harry."  
"Yeah... him... her..."  
Dumbledore knew what Harry was going to say next.  
"Sirius," said Harry painfully, "was not saved from her. I was." He felt his temperature growing still higher. He was onthe point to be delirious.  
"Harry, we can do nothing about it!"  
"There are things which could have been done!"  
Dumbledore sighed. "Harry," he began calmly.  
"You," interrupted Harry, "you... it is your fault!"  
Dumbledore felt confusion, trouble pain and hate in Harry's mind. He gave him a bitter glance.  
"Harry, you should be grateful towards Professor Snape," and he swept off.

Dumbledore was not angry with Harry. He would have liked to think Harry was wrong, but he did not really want to. And in the same time, he could not bear to think he was right. He did not feel like approaching Harry anymore, but he did not wish Harry to be alone. He knew what he had to do. He went out.

"Severus ..."  
Snape had put off Coriolan's saddle and bridle and he was stroking the horse.  
"Good after-noon, Headmaster," he said politely  
"Good after-noon," replied Dumbledore.  
Snape was preoccupied, but Dumbledore did not guess it because, as soon as he had seen him, Snape had closed his mind.  
"Severus, will you, please, pass to the Hospital Wing to speak to Harry?"  
"No, I will not," said Snape coldly.  
"Why?" asked gently Dumbledore.  
"I do not think it is useful."  
"It is, Severus, he would die of fever."  
"Give him medicines, then," said Snape sharply.  
"It does not help him. He is not really ill, but he does not wish to be better. He does not care about his health. He does not care about his life, or rather he does but he is not aware of it. He does not think he wants to die, however. Indeed he would like not to think about death, and he is thinking about it more than ever."  
"And why do you think I could help him?"  
Snape did not wish to speak to Harry, and he was enjoying refusing Dumbledore what he wanted though he did not know why it was giving him such a pleasure.  
"You have a self control he has not. His fever was born of the effort he did to overcome his feelings."  
"And what shall I tell him?" He asked the question with a delicate tone which meant: "I'll tell him nothing."  
"Tell him whatever you want. You will know what you will have to tell him. Give him a bit of your dynamism and optimism."  
Dumbledore did not know that Snape felt neither dynamism nor optimism. Snape was hiding too well his thoughts.  
"And if he does not listen to me? What if he does not want to hear my advice?"  
"Lecture him or scold him. Do whatever you want. I am sure you can calm him down." Dumbledore was slightly annoyed. Why was not Snape doing as he was told?  
"Why can you not speak to him?"  
A shade passed on Dumbledore's face, but he closed his mind before Snape could catch what was wrong with Harry. He did not want to let Snape know what he had been told, it would have made him furious at Harry.  
"Because ..." said Dumbledore in a slightly hesitant tone "... He does not want to listen to me."  
"You may very well be heard when you want to."  
For three seconds, Dumbledore felt like saying: "Listen to me then, and do as you are told." but, when his eyes met Snape's ones, he knew it was not the right solution. He surveyed Snape over his half-moon spectacles. He could hardly catch what Snape was thinking about or how he was feeling, and he understood there was something Snape did not want to reveal to him. He remembered Harry's words: 'I cannot tell you...' There was a secret somewhere.  
"Severus," Dumbledore said gently, "I pray you ... "  
Snape stopped resisting Dumbledore's will. He did not enjoy it anymore.  
"I will speak to him, Headmaster, of course, since you want it," he said softly.  
"Thank you, Severus," answered Dumbledore gratefully.  
Snape turned to go.  
"Severus..."  
Snape looked back at Dumbledore.  
"There are things we shall need to speak about."  
Snape nodded. "Yes," he said gazing down at the grass, "of course."  
"And about Harry ..."  
"Mm?"  
"Forgive him, Severus, forgive him. Be patient with him."  
"Yes," answered Snape in a breath. He did not know exactly what he had to forgive, but it did not matter. There were many things to forgive melted together. It was not very clear in Snape's mind.

"Harry ..."  
Harry was not listening to him. Snape insisted.  
"Harry, listen to me."  
Harry raised his eyes.  
"Sirius was a worthy member of the Order, Harry."  
Harry did not answer. He could not.  
" ... He was as worthy to live as I am," Snape's voice faltered slightly, but Harry did not mention Snape's past. He was listening. He could not do anything else. Something, in the depths of his insides told him: "Don't do anything. Just listen."  
"... But he is gone. I admire the way he fought before." Snape went on calmer, "There are things you must understand," he added quietly, "I would never have accepted to let anyone kill Sirius. Never. I would have done everything to save his life. I disliked him, that is true, but we were members of the same Order, we fought against the same people, I never wanted him dead."  
Suddenly Harry found strengths to speak.  
"But," he said furiously," why didn't you go to fight to his side?"  
"I did not know he would leave the Headquarters."  
"You should have, you knew that from the moment you told the members of the Order I had probably left for the Departments of the Mysteries, Sirius could only leave to go to my aid! You knew he would!"  
"I hoped to find you in the forest; you could have been still there. I knew Sirius cared more about your life than his own. He preferred hundreds times you to be saved rather than him, but I did everything I had to. I warned the members of the Order, Dumbledore came too. If he could not save him, how could I have? Who could have?"  
Harry kept his mouth closed. He felt weaker than ever.  
"I know you hate Bellatrix Lestrange," said Snape quietly.  
Harry shivered with hatred.  
"But think a bit. To kill her or to send her to Azkaban will not put an end to your pain. To take her life will not give back his to Sirius. The pain must not bring you to hurt anyone. Think about fairness. You will be an Auror, Harry, but you will not be an Auror to take revenge on people who made you to suffer. Justice does not work in that way ... And about your pain you are the only one who could put it an end. It is yours; it lives in your soul. You feed it in every instant and it burns your insides. Get rid of it or die."  
Harry answered, in spite of himself:  
"Stop being right, I hate you!"  
Snape looked at Harry and he responded calmly:  
"You were not born to hate, Harry."  
"How do you know?" shouted Harry. He felt like running to Snape and hurting him. Snape's eyes bored into Harry's ones. Harry tried to get a grip on himself and to hide his thoughts, but in vain.  
"You need not to be very clever to see it," said Snape in a smooth voice, "hatred drives you mad, it makes you shake from head to foot, it makes you lose your self control, and I am afraid it will kill you soon."

That was true, and Harry could not deny it. Making a huge effort, he said quietly:  
"You weren't born to be right."  
Snape did not feel cross with Harry, he answered peacefully:  
"Perhaps I was not, but I became, and I bear it very well. Today at least. Tomorrow, perhaps I shall not bear it anymore. I do not know. Perhaps I will stop being right. To be wrong is human though you do not enjoy this idea."  
Those words calmed Harry down. When Snape's eyes bored once more into his ones, he did not get angry because now he knew Snape knew he had understood Snape could understand him. And, as he could not utter a sound, he looked up at Snape and smiled. Snape gazed at him an instant, then he smiled back.

Dumbledore entered in the ward. Harry was fast asleep. Dumbledore sat to his bed's sides and listened to Harry's peaceful respiration with happiness.  
Now the night had fallen, Dumbledore was looking at the dark blue sky by the window, it was starriest than ever. He heard a very light sound. It was Snape; he came to sit cross-legged on the floor with him.  
"Good-evening, Severus," said Dumbledore warmly.  
"Good evening, Headmaster," answered Snape quietly.  
"I am happy to see you, Severus."  
Snape felt happy too. He got rid of the thought which troubled him. He would not think about it for the whole night, and he knew Dumbledore would not mention his travel during these hours.  
"Thanks," he mumbled.  
They sat still for an instant, then Snape added in a low voice:  
"I knew you would be there, Headmaster."  
"I knew you would come, Severus," answered Dumbledore kindly.  
A few minutes elapsed.  
"You will watch over Harry, will not you?" asked Snape in a scarcely audible murmur.  
"Yes, I will," muttered back Dumbledore.  
"Does it mean you will spend the whole night sit to his bed's sides?" mouthed Snape.  
"Yes, it does, Severus."  
Snape caught something as a hint of impatience or annoyance in Dumbledore's voice, but there was no good reason him to be really cross with him, that is why he dared to whisper:  
"I thought so, Headmaster."  
"You thought right, then," answered Dumbledore in a soft voice.  
Time passed. Snape was thinking, his head between his hands.  
"Have a look at the sky, Severus."  
Snape gazed at it by the window.  
"How beautiful!" he said at mid-voice.  
"Yes," replied Dumbledore, "how beautiful!"  
Snape rose went to the window and opened it. A fresh wind entered in the room, Snape liked it, it smelt hay and wood, it smelt as the autumn which was coming with fishing and especially hunting. Then he thought of Coriolan, and he wondered if he did not prefer a ride on his back rather than a hike. He enjoyed the fresh air a couple of minutes then he went back to Dumbledore's side and he squatted down.  
"He will not have fever anymore, Headmaster," he said without a glance at Harry.  
"Look at him, Severus," answered Dumbledore gently. Snape did as he was told, and when his eyes met Harry's peaceful and innocent face lit by a beam of the moon, he knew he would stay until the morning would come.  
Dumbledore gazed at Harry and said in a tender way:  
"How meek and mild he seems! ... He did not for long ..."  
For a quarter of second, Snape was on the point to express he was agreeing ... He was happy it was dark, so Dumbledore could not see him well and could not know he was moved.  
Harry shivered slightly in his sleep. Snape got up and closed the window. When he sat again, he leaned against a bed's leg.  
"About Coriolan ..." Dumbledore asked, "Was he a fine horse?"  
"Yes, very fine."  
"Let us hope he will learn to express his disagreement in an other way than rearing up ..."  
"I am sure he will, Headmaster."  
"Good."  
"I think he is a very good horse, Headmaster."  
"Yes, he is; so calm ... so obedient ..." Said Dumbledore with a teasing smile.  
"So swift, so beautiful, so young, so clever!"  
"I see. Did you enjoy his company?"  
"Of course, I did!"  
"So he did, Severus, you were patient with him."  
"Let us hope I was."  
"You like him, don't you?"  
"Yes."  
"Good. He is yours, then."  
"Pardon?"  
"I give him to you. I thought you would like him ... But if you see any problem ..."  
"No," cut Snape, "there is no problem. Thank you very much, Headmaster." He beamed at Dumbledore.  
Hours elapsed. The morning came. Snape, his head on his knees, was dozing.  
"Severus..."  
"Mm ..." Snape gave a sleepy moan. Dumbledore posed his hand on his shoulder and he raised his head.  
"The sun is rising, Severus."  
Snape glanced at the window.  
"Yes ..." he answered.  
"You should go to bed now ... You still have a few free hours in front of you." said Dumbledore gently.  
"Yes ... Good-night ... I mean good-morning, Headmaster ..."  
"Good morning, Severus."  
Snape left the ward, he was tired and he knew Dumbledore wished to be alone with Harry.  
Dumbledore leant and put back the blankets on Harry who was still fast asleep, then he said, in a low voice with a very gentle tone:  
"Good-morning, son."

Snape went out. He had had a few hours of rest, and he had still half an hour before he began to teach.  
"Coriolan!" he called, "Coriolan, come here, you are mine!"  
Coriolan did not come. He had walked into the lake and he was drinking. He had water upper than to his knees. He raised his head for a moment to gaze at Snape with a deep and sad expression of misunderstanding.  
"Come here, Coriolan."  
Coriolan put back his muzzle in the water. Snape felt rather annoyed, Coriolan had to obey him. He was Coriolan's _Master_. But Coriolan did not seem to know it.  
"Silly boy," snarled Snape, "Obey, now!"  
Coriolan did not budge.  
"All right," muttered Snape angrily, "All right, you leave me no choice, Coriolan." He put off his shoes and entered in the water. It was cold. He waded until he reached Coriolan. There, he waved his wand. "Accio bridle," he murmured. Coriolan's bridle went in his hand.  
"Don't move, mate," he said gently.  
Coriolan looked at him mischievously. He meant to play. He ran further, splashing Snape with water. Snape shivered.  
"It isn't really warm, Coriolan," he said calmly. Coriolan did not seem to care about the water being warm or cold.  
"Wait a minute, I am going to catch you!" smiled Snape, "You are really playing silly games, Coriolan!"  
Now he had water up to the belt, he was walking rather slowly. He knew what he had to do to be able to catch Coriolan. He flung himself forward the water and he began to swim. Coriolan enjoyed going further every time Snape was on the point to reach him.  
Now water was lapping under Coriolan's belly. He did not enjoy it very much, but he could not stand the idea he would lose the game ... Now water was up to his flank, he could not go further. He was going to be caught. He knew he could not run quickly in such deep water. It was impeding him, but it did not impede Snape who swam swiftly up to him. He stayed still; Snape stopped next to him and bridled him. Coriolan let him do docilely.  
"You're fair-play, Coriolan."  
Snape mounted on Coriolan's back. He felt quite well, his feet dipping in the fresh waves, Coriolan's warm body between his legs. The horse spinal column was not very comfortable to sit on, but Snape adopted an adequate position and it did not bother him.  
"I won, Coriolan."  
With a gentle pressure of his ankles, he drove him towards the lake's banks. When they were close enough, Snape requested that Coriolan would trot, and so he did, making large sprays of water on his passage.  
"I am your master, Coriolan. It means you are mine ..." Snape patted Coriolan's neck, then he commanded:  
"Ahead, Coriolan!"  
Coriolan, when he felt Snape's hand stroking him, and when he heard him commanding him, understood what 'you are mine' meant. He obeyed, happier than ever. They had a short ride, then Snape looked at Coriolan.  
"You're dirty, why did you choose the muddiest place of the lake?" he said sternly.  
Coriolan did not answer.  
"You must take a shower, mate," he said more gently.  
Coriolan gave a sweet grunt to express his agreement.  
"Very well. Let us go, then."  
They entered in the castle. Coriolan was walking calmly. Professor Dumbledore came from a door in the corridor in which they were advancing.  
"Why are you all wet, Severus?" Dumbledore asked with a friendly smile.  
"Because I went into the water, Headmaster."  
"So thought I. There are not many way to be soaked by such a sunny day ..."  
"I could have taken a shower."  
"Yes, that is true, I did not think about it. Why did you go in the water?"  
"Because Coriolan likes water," said Snape with a slight smile.  
"I see ..." said Dumbledore, smiling back, "Coriolan likes water and _you_ go into ..."  
"We both went in ... We enjoyed ..."  
"I see ..." replied Dumbledore gazing at Coriolan. Drops of water were trickling on his whole body. "What are you going to do now?"  
"We shall take a shower."  
"I think it is a brilliant idea," said Dumbledore cheerfully.  
"Could you ... er ... avoid telling Mr Filch I let enter Coriolan ..."  
"I think he would be very pleased to learn it."  
"Really?"  
"Of course not. Do not worry, I shall not tell him about it. I promise."  
"Thanks ..."  
"Don't mention it."  
Snape nudged Coriolan with his heels.  
"Wait a minute," said Dumbledore," your bathroom is a bit narrow ..."  
"Narrow! Let us exaggerate nothing."  
"Yes ... Narrow is perhaps not the good word. I meant to say mine was better to wash Coriolan ... more comfortable ... Do you accept?"  
"Yes. Thank you."  
Snape jumped down and followed Dumbledore. Soon they arrived in front of a gargoyle. Dumbledore said the password:  
"Liquorice Wand."  
The gargoyle jumped aside. They all entered through the gap in the walls. Soon they stopped before an oak polished door. Dumbledore opened it.  
"Welcome," he said nicely.  
They entered. Snape glance over the floor, the walls and ceiling. He stood motionless.  
"So?" asked Dumbledore benignly. He wished to know if Snape liked the room, and he was slightly worried to see him that silent. Snape looked back at him, and he said frankly:  
"I can only marvel, Headmaster."  
"It is a pity," answered Dumbledore very seriously, "because you've got many other things to do."

When Harry awoke, he felt calm. He heard a slight pace leaving the room, but he was not completely alone though Dumbledore had left the ward. Fawkes and his bride had perched on his bedside table. Harry looked at Fawkes' magnificent scarlet and gold plumage, then at the female's one, which was plainer, tawny with glints of gold, but as beautiful.  
"Hello Fawkes, good-morning Miss."  
Fawkes blinked peacefully at him, and his bride gave a few polite notes. Harry felt happiness and peace. He did not wish anymore to hurt anyone, and all the pain had vanished from his insides. He was quite well. He knew lessons would begin in half an hour (He had glanced at the clock in front of his bed) so he had all his time to get ready. He looked lazily at his shoes, sat on his bed and laced them. He already wore his glasses, probably because no one had put them off. Fawkes went in his lap and gave him a bit of parchment. Harry took it and stroked him gently, he was no longer angry with Fawkes and he thought he would never be again. He unrolled it and read it. The narrow handwriting was vaguely familiar to him.  
_I, Professor A. Dumbledore, certify, today 09/30/96 that Mr Harry Potter could not be present at his classes for personal reasons._  
Harry got up. He felt healthier than ever, he was going to see again his friends, and he would not even have to justify his absence. He strode across the room, went out and went to take his breakfast with Ron and Hermione.  
Hermione ran up to him.  
"Harry! You're back! Are you fine?"  
"Yes, I am," he answered, and it was true.  
Soon he was telling Ron and Hermione about his travel.  
"Why did you leave, Harry?" asked Hermione with concern.  
Harry remained silent. Why had he done that? Many things had brought him to do that, they were a bit confused in his mind. He had felt pain and hate, and he knew he would meet Bellatrix Lestrange over there. He had wished to go to her and to hurt her ... or rather he did not, but he could not stand the idea to stay at Hogwarts after what she had done to Sirius. And the Order! how he had wished to be one of its members, and still he did wish to join it ... but now he was sensible ... he would know against what he would fight ...  
When Harry answered, his voice was shaking slightly:  
"Because I was mad." He said, and he was not properly wrong.

Coriolan did as Snape, he gazed at the walls and ceiling. Everything was made of pink granite including what looked like an empty, large swimming pool sunk into the floor. Dumbledore turned on a few taps, and soon Snape asked Coriolan to enter in the water, but Coriolan stayed near the door, bracing himself, refusing to follow his master.  
"You told me he liked water, Severus," said Dumbledore.  
"He does, but ..." Snape eyed at Coriolan, "he has never seen such a beautiful place before. That is why he cannot go further."  
Coriolan was on the point to rear up.  
"Don't" Snape hissed in such a low voice that Dumbledore could hear  
him, "don't, or ..."  
Coriolan lowered his head and Snape knew he would not dare to do what he had been forbidden.  
"Good," he said gently, patting him on the neck. He felt Coriolan was going to obey docilely. Dumbledore went closer to Coriolan and rubbed his withers.  
"Coriolan," he said quietly but firmly, "you must obey Severus now; he is your Master."  
Coriolan did as he was told. He entered in the pool by an inclined plane. He had water up to his belly. It was warm and clean. He liked the white foam and the blue bubbles around him. He stayed still when Snape mounted on his back to brush him and to spread shampoo on his back and flanks. Soon, thanks to Dumbledore and Snape, he was covered with soap from head to foot. He suddenly felt like shaking himself. So he did, sending suds everywhere. Snape who was still on his back did not enjoy it very much; he jumped down, splashing him with warm water light foam.  
"Stay still, Coriolan!" said Snape harshly.  
Coriolan shivered slightly and took such a sheepish expression that Snape did not add any reproach. Coriolan stood perfectly motionless.  
"Good," said Snape, noticing Coriolan had obeyed him, "you're a well-behaved horse." And he rubbed his withers. Usually, when Coriolan was being rubbed his withers, he was stretching his neck with delights, but this time, he dared not to move, he just glanced at Snape gratefully.  
"Well," said Dumbledore gently, "now we must rinse off the soap."  
"It is already half done," answered Snape with a smile.  
Dumbledore turned on a shower just upside Coriolan's head. A few minutes passed. Now Coriolan was cleaner than ever. Snape leant against him. He still dared not to move.  
"You must promise you will never tell anyone what you're going to hear, Coriolan," said Snape stroking him gently.  
Coriolan bowed his head to mean 'yes', then, remembering he was not allowed to move, he stayed still, as petrified.  
"So?" asked Dumbledore quietly. He knew Snape meant to tell him what he had learnt during his travel.

"They were loads of them ..."  
Harry was telling Ron and Hermione about his travel.  
"What did happen then?" asked Ron urgently.  
"Professor Snape arrived ..."  
"What did he do?"  
"He saved my life."  
"How?" queried Ron, amazed.  
"He told me to close my mind."  
"Did you?"  
"I could not first ... Eventually I did. He ... created a diversion ..."  
"What did he do?"  
"I cannot tell you ..."  
"Why did you have to close your mind?"  
"Ron, that's obvious," said Hermione with exasperation.

Dumbledore gave Snape a searching look. Snape did not avoid his eyes, but his mind was so closed that Dumbledore could not have an idea of what he was thinking about. He had dropped the information on an indifferent tone. And now he was gazing at him, quite expressionless. Dumbledore was not disappointed by what he had learnt, but afflicted with Snape's behaviour.  
"You may go out, Coriolan," Snape said eventually. But Coriolan did not move. In fact he had nearly not moved since he had been told to stay still. He wanted to stand there for always. The water was warm; the walls were nice to his eyes. He thought with pleasure to the moment Snape had leant against him, had stroked him, then had spoken to Dumbledore in a calm, nearly nonchalant voice which overawed him. Everything he desired was Snape to lean again against him. But Snape did not, he just looked at him. When they made an eye-contact, Coriolan knew Snape would not get cross with him, despite his disobedience, so he would enjoy everything Snape would tell him.  
Snape looked at Dumbledore.  
"What shall we do?" he asked, "he does not feel like getting out." He meant he would not force Coriolan out the water.  
"We could put off the water..." suggested Dumbledore.  
"Or add some more," said Snape cheerfully.  
"It is a brilliant idea."  
They came out the pool and turned on many taps. When they had added enough warm water and pink bubbles, Coriolan had to swim.  
"He will soon have enough with swimming," said Snape. But Coriolan seemed to enjoy.  
Snape gazed at the very bottom of the pool. It was deep. Dumbledore could not resist temptation, or he did not try, he pushed Snape into the water, then he plunged into. Coriolan was happy to have some company. He swam straight to Snape who stroked his muzzle a short instant. Then Snape turned towards Dumbledore.  
"Why did you send me into the water?" he asked in a serious and polite tone.  
"Oh," answered Dumbledore who seemed to think hard, "Because I thought there were not enough bubbles."

"The bell will ring soon, Severus, you should get out."  
Snape swam swiftly, aiming to reach the further edge. Dumbledore swam to his side and Coriolan followed them. Snape was swimming faster and faster, perhaps in order to out distance Dumbledore, but he did not mean to fall behind and he did not. When they were out of the water, Snape called Coriolan. The horse came as soon as he was called, and when Snape stroked his neck, he gave him a slightly bitter look, then he promised himself he would manage to get a bath again.  
"I will dry Coriolan's hair for you, Severus."  
"Thank you, Headmaster." And Snape swept off.  
"Accio shoes," he muttered. They arrived in his hand and he put them, then he went down in the dungeons.  
"Good-morning, class," he said darkly.  
Several students answered. Some of them were happy to see Snape again, some were not, the rest of them did not care, and Snape did not care about the first-years caring or caring not about his coming back. He had temperature again...  
His students were working. Everything Snape wished was them to continue working without a word as well-behaved children, so that he could think... A student was bothering him... Why on earth was he talking?  
Snape got up.  
"Don't talk, Zabini," he snarled.  
William Zabini went pink and held his tongue.  
"Well," muttered Snape, and he sat down behind his desk... His temperature was higher and higher. He had acted against his moral concepts... He had betrayed the Order in a way... Why had he done that? He could have avoided it, could he not? He could hardly bear the memory of what he had done... "Shame is a strange thing," he thought, his head between his hands, "very strange indeed... painful and troubling... I could get rid of it, but the worst is that I do not wish it... How strange..."  
A student was speaking again. Snape did not wish to be disturbed, he did not know why, but he felt terribly annoyed with the pupil. He rose and went straight to him. William shivered, keeping his eyes on the floor. He knew he had gone too far.  
"You," Snape hissed angrily.  
Zabini raised his eyes a quarter of second to lower them with fear on his face as soon as they met Snape's ones.  
"Detention, Zabini," said Snape sharply.  
William Zabini did not answer. He had never been given a detention before.  
"I told you not to talk," explained Snape coldly and he went back to his place. When he glanced again at William, he wondered if he had not been a bit unfair; he felt his fever raging more and more.


End file.
